


He Deserves More

by robertttsugden



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Deaf Character, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Kidnapping, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:48:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22945777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertttsugden/pseuds/robertttsugden
Summary: A look inside Ben's mind regarding his hearing loss, a missing Callum as he reminisces over his past.TW - includes mentions of Pauls death, Stella's abuse and Phil's homophobia
Relationships: Abi Branning/Ben Mitchell, Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Paul Coker/Ben Mitchell
Kudos: 37





	He Deserves More

The pain that tore through his ears made him feel as if he might explode, it worse than anything he’d ever endured. Well, apart from getting shot that is, but this was very nearly on par with it. He felt like he could hear everything that was happening inside his body. His heart rate rapidly getting faster and faster as the anxiety kept building within his chest, almost as if his heart was just going to explode the rate it was going. He could hear his blood gushing through his arteries, all around his ears. However, this wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He wanted to be able to hear the outside world, to hear other people. He wanted to be able to hear Jay banging on about the football, even though he didn’t have the slightest idea what any of it even meant, how happy it made his best friend made it worth enduring. He wanted to be able to hear Lexi, telling him about her day at school. Hell, he even wanted to be able to hear his dad again - never in his life would he think he’d ever miss hearing Phil speak, but he just wants to hear something. Anything. Most importantly, he wanted to hear Callum. He needed to hear Callum tell him he loves him, that everythings going to be alright. The problem is, they still haven’t found Callum. He might never get to see his boyfriend again, and he hasn’t even told him he loves him.

It’s like what happened with Paul all over again, although this time it was even more his fault. With Paul, he’d spent way too long denying who he was, pretending to be someone who he wasn’t purely in an attempt to please his dad. He always knew deep down that he could never make himself love Abi, no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t, it even made him end up despising her. Poor Abi who was head over heels in love with him, so much she even faked a pregnancy to try and keep him with her. He hated her at the time, and still there’s something there that he blames her for, the fact that she took so much of the time he could’ve spent with Paul away from her, but he can’t really hold it against her now she’s dead. Abi died, Paul died and now Callum might be dead. It’s as if everyone who loves him ends up dead. Can’t really be a coincidence can it, it’s probably a sign that he should be alone forever, karma for all the shitty things he’s done in the past.

Come to think of it, he still does picture himself as a terrible person. Most recently, he tried to have Keanu killed, the father of his own sisters child, making him a father, as well as someone's son, someone's brother, and he was willing to take all of that away purely because of his dad. Another one was Luke Browning. He was killed by these blokes his dad hired, but it was because of him. He was a vile person, who probably deserved what he got, but the fact remains it still came down to him. Then there’s Paul. They should never have split up. He should’ve stayed to protect him, make sure they both got away alright, but he didn’t and Paul paid the price. He used to wish it was him they’d killed instead, and sometimes he still does. Of course, on top of all that, there’s Heather. Innocent Heather who couldn’t hurt someone even if she tried. Out of all the people, there couldn’t have been anyone who deserved it less than her. It terrifies him what he did, that he did such a thing to her. It haunts him.

He sometimes wonders if he was just born that way, if he was born evil, or if everything that’s happened has built up to this. Most notably, Stella and Phil. Even though he was pretty young, he can still remember everything Stella did to him, he can still feel the pain she inflicted upon him. That won’t ever leave him, no matter how long ago it was. Then there’s his dad. Phil. The Phil Mitchell is his father, so he wasn’t terribly surprised at his reaction to him being gay. It was rather scarring, his words constantly playing around in his head, reminding him of how disgusting and unnatural he was. He hated it, and he hated him, so much so he would’ve killed him if Jay hadn't stopped him. That makes him a horrible person, doesn’t it? It has to. No matter what they’ve done, no good person would ever try and kill their own father. The idea of it is enough to make most feel physically ill, never mind to actually carry it out and attempt to.

That’s how he knows Callum is too good for him, all he ever does is hurt people. It’s all that he’s good for, and he knows that having to cope with a deaf boyfriend is going to be horiffic enough before he even gets the chance to do something else to fuck everything up. That’s why he needs to find him, so he knows he’s safe, and then to prevent him from getting hurt anymore because of him. He deserves so much more, everyone deserves better than him.


End file.
